Nomenclature
I often find myself waking quite early in the morning even when I have been up or out late. These wakings are generally brimming with ideas. This morning, I woke up to thoughts about nomenclature.
The way we refer to one another has forever been a significant factor in relationships. Per usual, this came up in a few recent conversations lately.
We come up with so many labels for our loved ones, loves and lovers- all with the intention of differentiating and sometimes establishing a hierarchy. We do this in romantic and plutonic relationships: Friend, associate, buddy, colleague, acquaintance, day ones, best friend, sweetie, love, lover, spouse, partner, paramour, honey, boo, friend with benefits, significant other, forever love, nesting partner, mate... I haven’t even gotten into the gendered titles and pet names we use to publicly describe one another. That could go on for a while.
Have you ever found yourself at the point of introduction wondering what to refer to someone as? In a flash, you ask yourself all sorts of questions about how that title might affect the perception of the relationship, the person, and you.
Mostly, I just answer reflexively, not spending much mental energy on the moment. Sometimes, I am intentionally irreverent. I enjoy using lover for these moments. I’m aware of all the potential conjuring a word like lover can produce.
Other times, I find myself being quite conservative or even formal. The funny thing is this: You can only really asses these responses in retrospect. The introduction has been made as have the assumptions associated with the chosen title. This is when I laugh to myself since I rarely care what gets thought.
I have had a lover introduce me as friend, a friend as lover, a spouse as just David. I have been a boo, a sweetie, a significant other, a husband, even wifey once. I remember a moment visiting a love of mine at work and being introduced to everyone as her boyfriend, only to be asked later (with the sweetest, endearing sprinkle of anxiety in her voice) if that was ok. It felt wonderful when she said it, so that title fit fine.
Why do we torture ourselves with these titles? Why do we give them so much power? Why do they matter so much to so many? I ask these questions from the perspective of a person who wholly believes that we are in charge of defining our relationships and that the substance of what they are is found in how we live and function in them.
I have concluded that titles, names and designations are fluid: They shift constantly. Especially if you’re anything like me and have the gift of keeping magic people in your life as relationships evolve.
So, don’t stress over what you get called. Have a conversation about it with the other person. See how you both feel and why. Remember that all those names mean something completely different to different people. Remember that these names can come with expectations and those are far more important to communicate about than the title itself.
No matter what you choose or don’t choose, (or if you choose not to choose at all), just make sure that you....
Love them as they are, have amazing sex and communicate with intention.
David
