You may or may not know this about me if you don't actually know me, but I have spent a great deal of my life managing fear. Fear is a peculiar thing. It is our own creation, but we often respond to it like it is actual danger.
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
With all of the beauty in my life, there has still been a great presence of fear. I have historically allowed it to govern so many of my decisions. Fear can creep in and affect romantic, parental, and platonic love. It has been a force that affected both my career and my personal life (which, to be honest, are often indistinguishable). It can be a powerfully debilitating force that will set you on a path of rationalization of ridiculous choices.
I have burned bridges and broken hearts in fear.
I have fled and fought in fear.
I have manipulated in fear.
I have abandoned in fear.
I have missed life in fear.
I have lost love in fear.
I have suffered in fear.
No great epiphany happened to lead me to realize this. It’s something I have been aware of for some time. Fear often keeps the company of denial. Together they pack one hell of a punch. I have often denied the fear both publicly and to myself. I won’t say it’s all gone or pronounce some great declaration that from this point on fear will not rule me. I will, however, acknowledge a grand leap in that very direction. I will be grateful for the realization that owning and releasing some of that fear literally opens doors in the universe and myself immediately.
Overcoming or surmounting fear lifts such a great weight from one’s shoulders. It’s not that it just stops existing (trust me, the fear is still there), but it does seem to diminish with every subsequent interaction. It is a different type of bravery to speak my truth directly in the face of opposition than it is for me to sit here at my laptop and type it into the ether (and hopefully to an actual audience reading these). It feels good (really good!) to stop spending so much energy trying to manage a loved one’s emotional responses. There is freedom in being able to always speak openly about everything.
I love you.
I desire others and will pursue that desire.
That doesn’t mean I desire you less.
I need the room to be able to do the things I want.
I miss you.
I fucked up.
I need to do better.
I’m not sorry.
I refuse to be anyone but me.
I want you to love me as I am and not for who I could be.
I am afraid.
I know I am risking everything but I have to so I can live honestly.
I have been absent.
I want to be present.
I want what I want.
There is a sense of freedom that grows each time we face one of our fears. It is in that space, that I intend to flourish, that I seek to remain.
Even when you’re afraid to…..
Love them as they are, have amazing sex, and communicate with intention.