When They Call Out To That Other Side Of You

Can I just tell you something?

Most of these posts are inspired by a simple moment or a brief conversation. This usually leads to a title or notes that I return to later to write about in more detail. I try to write as close to that moment of inspiration as possible but sometimes, for my own sanity, I need to let a little time pass. That time also helps me to write about the topic with more clarity so that by the time it reaches you, it all makes sense!  This title, When They Call to That Other Side of You, is no different. Here’s why:

There is an “other” side to me that rarely gets to see the light of day. I say an “otherside mostly because it feels like the opposite of the regular me. While there is always a sexual intensity to me, it normally presents itself more as passion than aggression. This “other” me, though? He was once affectionately referred to as “Deebo.”(Yes. Like Deebo from Friday.)

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At the time, I didn't know how to feel about that description. Yet the more I processed it, the more I realized how accurate it was! Deebo does not ask--he takes. Deebo is neither gentle, nor sweet. He is intensely raw and direct. That aspect of my sexual personality does not roam freely, but there are moments when he is called upon. I could count the number of women who have seen that side of me on one hand. Perhaps this is because Deebo is a part of me that I worry is not acceptable to most partners I have chosen. Or maybe he is an “other” part because I, myself, am not completely comfortable with him. Experiencing a loss of control can be a very disturbing thing.  It can make you begin to question what you are truly capable of during those moments when an “other” takes charge. This is where thoughts of safe words can come into play in order to snap you out of a wonderfully intense, out-of-body sexual encounter.

There are certain people who possess the ability to open those sexual flood-gates or know exactly how to flip those switches to allow that other part of ourselves to manifest. Oftentimes, those people are just as open (or flawed) as we are and will not always wield that power with care or caution. In fact, there may be moments where you feel like your partner is being reckless with that power and it takes every ounce of you to resist that loss of control. If you have experienced this, I am sure a specific moment of sexual intensity comes to mind and can still course through you just at the thought of it. (I know I have been feeling it writing this! Good gawd!)

We will encounter partners whose sexual styles are a perfect match for ours and others whose styles are different, yet complement our sexual energy in a way that can be a catalyst for growth. Then there are partners whose styles do nothing to match or grow our own. I won’t spend time on the ones that just don't work and frankly, neither should you! 

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I say all that to make this point:

At the height of a sexual encounter, some of us are pretty versatile in our characteristics—both in reception and delivery. Once we let someone in enough (yes, TRUST someone enough) to see the parts of us that most others don't get to see, we instantly become vulnerable. Like so many other aspects of love, sex and communication, vulnerability can be as dangerous as it is beautiful. Be aware of your vulnerability. Tread carefully but continue to tread. It is part of a rich life experience.

I would never recommend that anyone be so cautious that they miss the nuance and splendor that comes with being sexually vulnerable. Just don't do so blindly. Learn when to embrace it and when to walk away or reclaim your power. On some level, we are the ones who give that power away (and that can be a great thing). Just don't forget that it IS yours. You always have the right and the ability to take it back. ‘Til next time, enjoy the intensity as you…

Love them as they are, have amazing sex and communicate with intention.

David